We welcome Trish for her bravery and courage to speak out against ritual abuse and mind control.

Healing from Ritual Abuse and Mind Control: Survivor Trish Fotheringham Speaks Out

Interviewed by Ellen Lacter, Ph.D.

This is a three-disc DVD set interview of Trish Fotheringham, survivor of ritual abuse and mind control.

In an interview of almost three hours with Dr. Ellen Lacter, Trish Fotheringham inspires hope and courage for extreme abuse survivors. She gives direction and guidance for the healing journey, not only to survivors but also to the people who help them, including psychotherapists, clergy, and loved ones.

Trish Fotheringham’s years of ritual abuse and mind control remained secret, even from herself, until she was 30 years old, reaching conscious awareness during college social work classes about child abuse. The decade-spanning healing journey that followed led Trish to discover truths that have culminated in her life purpose of sharing her experiences to spread understanding, hope and inspiration.

Beginning when victims are very young, perpetrators of ritual abuse and mind control use torture and manipulation of the mind’s capacity to form dissociated (separate and compartmentalized) identities in an attempt to forever control and silence their victims.

Defying her abusers’ machinations, in this DVD, Trish describes the process of mind control torture and tackles some of the most difficult challenges survivors face as they work to resolve their trauma. She tells how she worked through her abuse and integrated her dissociated identities into a cohesive whole sense of self. She also displays artwork illustrating her previously dissociated personalities, her inner world, and her breaking free of the bonds in which her abusers sought to trap her.

Speaking out to promote peace, happiness and love in the world helps Trish Fotheringham give value to the nightmarish hell in which she grew up and to the huge amount of hard, lonely work it took to become healthy, happy and whole.

Ellen Lacter, Ph.D., is a psychologist in San Diego, California. She has treated victims and survivors of ritual abuse and mind control since 1995. She is an activist on behalf of victims, working to educate therapists, law enforcement, clergy, and the general public about these forms of abuse and their effects on victims.

Dr. Lacter met Trish Fotheringham through their both having contributed chapters to the book, Ritual Abuse in the Twenty-first Century, published in 2008 by Robert D. Reed Publishers. Learn more about the book and order it here:

Trish Fotheringham ‘s chapter is a comprehensive description of her mind control programming, “Patterns in Mind-Control: A First Person Account”.

Dr. Lacter co-wrote her chapter with Karl Lehman, MD, entitled: “Guidelines to Differential Diagnosis between Schizophrenia and Ritual Abuse/Mind Control Traumatic Stress.”

Order Information:

Price:  One DVD Set is $18 (US dollars).
Each additional DVD Set is $12 (US dollars).

Orders to Canada may be subject to applicable sales tax.

Plus Shipping costs:
Within USA and Canada: $6.50 (U.S. dollars) for each DVD Set
Outside USA and Canada: $11.00 (U.S. dollars) for each DVD Set

International shipping charges outside of the USA do not include any applicable import duties or taxes that are due upon entry into the destination country. Any such duties and taxes are the responsibility of the customer, and must be paid at the time of delivery.

Please mail your Check or Money Order Payable to:

Trish Fotheringham
#185- 911 Yates Street
Suite #582
Victoria BC V8V 4Y9
Canada

Direct any additional questions about your DVD order to Trish Fotheringham at: rainbowtrish@myself.com

Grief (v): Deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement. A cause of such suffering.

Needs: Physical (food, sleep, exercise), Emotional (love and trust.), Social (not being alone), Intellectual (learning), Spiritual (whatever form of guidance you have developed), and Creativity (expressing yourself.)

Everyone has experienced grief. Survivors of Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, and/or Incest have been burdened with grief since early childhood. Our grief paralyzed us as we helplessly watched loved ones being murdered, friends disappearing, kids hurt through rape and torture, and our own loss of innocence, trust, family, sense of self and the shame and guilt of our forced participation in rituals.

Taking away a child’s sense of safety, starving her, affixing sleep deprivation and adding physical/emotional and sexual assault sets her up for years of fear, anxiety and depression.

As adults we further repressed our grief, until it festered and turned our attention to destructive tendencies such as addictions—drug and alcohol abuse, sexual and intimacy issues, attempted suicides, self-harm, anorexia and bulimia, social phobias, and isolation. Many of us developed one of the dissociative disorders, recognizing the numbers that did not make it through the healing process.

As children of cults we lacked the knowledge of having our needs met. It is, therefore, understandable, why as adults we became emotionally crippled.

In my house, I had to be tough and was not allowed to cry. At age eleven, I fell in the woods on a sharp boulder splitting my knee open. I was told to stop feeling sorry for myself until I finally learned to keep my tears and grief internal. Tears got me nowhere and punishment would follow if I continued to shed them. Years of these messages and treatments morphed into a cycle of beliefs that stopped my grieving process altogether. Twenty years later, free from the cult, I visited my doctor explaining very carefully and truthfully that I needed to see a specialist. There must be something wrong with my eyes, I told her, because I couldn’t cry. I didn’t have tears like other people. My tear ducts must have been blocked. The message had been stomped into me so effectively that even as an adult I still believed I was not allowed to grieve.

As adults we now have choices which we didn’t have as children. We do not require our abusers (if the assaults were in the family) to put a roof over our heads and food on the table. We can seek help and enter therapy to regain portions of our lives. We are accountable only to ourselves and once we realize this, we can begin the grieving process to aid healing.

Grieving over a lost childhood, the horrors we witnessed and our inability to stop them will help make us whole and put us on the road to recovery.

The Stages of Grief

After research on reclaiming our grief, the following five stages represent the whole and depth of many websites and articles.

The five stages of grief are: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

• Denial and Isolation: Denial is a two-headed monster. On one hand it keeps us safe. As long as we ‘pretend’ our abuse did not happen, we are a complacent survivor and will not have any back lash from the cult. But, on the other hand, by keeping us safe, it stops the grieving process. We have nothing to grieve for if nothing happened. We need to smash through this barrier and break the denial down to get at the root of our abuse and begin to heal. This cannot be done in isolation. We need the support of other survivors or at a bare minimum, the services of a competent therapist experienced in RA, MK, and/or Incest.

• Anger: As survivors we are angry at our abusers whether we realize it or not where it can be buried deep inside. For the DID survivor, there are inside angry parts for this purpose alone. Like all other alters they must express their anger in a safe environment. Driving our car on a highway and encouraging the anger boiling up inside is not safe. Hitting a punching bag and screaming at our abuser with our therapist present is a safe outlet. We also have to deal with anger directed at ourselves. The misguided notion that we were at fault and could have stopped the abuse or reported it to the proper authorities was unrealistic thirty to forty years ago. Abuse was not a household word like it is today. We were told not to accept candy from a stranger, but what if that stranger was our father? Even still, the next time you are near a playground look at the children. See their innocence and their body size. We were that small as children. Do you still think we could’ve stood up to a towering adult? Put the anger where it belongs—directly at the abuser.

• Bargaining: Can you count the number of times, as a child, that you bargained with God? I’ve lost count. At night, in my bed, I would repeat: “Please God. I promise to be good tomorrow. I will not do anything to make anyone mad. I will lay here straight and not move all night if you just let my daddy not come to me.” Various versions of this have whirled around in my head from childhood to an adult struggling and not wanting my memories to be true. Now my bargaining processors are with alters in my system. “We will let you build our model car with us if you promise not to do your job, one of physically harming us” is a current system bargain. By keeping these bargaining tools active we are keeping the whole of us safe and through safety we can grieve for that little girl who stayed rigid all night waiting for her dad.
• Depression: Denying our abuse, focusing anger at our abusers, to bargaining with God and our system, sets the stage of depression. We have a lot to be depressed about. Grieving over the loss of a childhood would be enough to throw even the stoic of us into despair. People can be cruel. How many times have you been told: “Snap out of it,” “It happened twenty years ago, get over it,” “Everybody has bad memories of their childhood and you don’t see them depressed,” or “You’re just looking for attention or sympathy and you won’t get it from me.” I was even told by one therapist to ’snap out of it and get a hobby.’ We must not allow people, whether they mean well or not, to pressure us into ‘putting on a happy face’ when we are depressed. We have lost a great deal and have a right to our depression no matter how awful it feels. If we have to be depressed to numb our feelings, to get through the day, then so be it. Depression is a stage we go through when grieving over our childhood. We must make sure that we are not alone and are being monitored by our therapist to ensure we don’t fall into clinical depression.
• Acceptance: One of the major aspects of the grieving process we must accept is the loss of family. This has been one of the hardest acceptances for me. Just a year ago, I was located and asked if I would like contact with a family member. Aware of the potential of this as a trigger, I played the wrong by stander. How I wanted to say yes! My baby brother is married and has kids. What a thrill that would have been for me! But safety comes first and I had to accept that this contact was potentially high risk, as previous encounters entailed. So, I phoned the police and instead of seeing my nieces or nephews, I filed a police report. I recently discussed this with my therapist who said I need to make a new family from people in my life today. I agreed, but still feel the pain in the pit of my stomach that my family is lost to me. It is time for me to move on and this; the final stage in our recovery of grief can come to a close.

I encourage all survivors to go through the grieving process of lost childhoods due to Ritual Abuse, Mind Control or Incest. Like many worthwhile trips, the road is paved with two steps forward and one step back. With the acceptance of our childhood losses we come to care for ourselves and with freedom the ability to love. I am not an expert on grieving by any means. All I can do is what you’re doing—sharing information by reading, writing, and talking to survivors. Our quest needs to be honored for the bravery we all possess—we lived!

My mind recoils and my stomach lurches. I don’t want to remember childhood sexual assault by my mother’s hand.

My brain stops. All functioning inert. Years piled with emotional abuse have taken its toll. My mother broke my spirit apart.

My gait is a half hearted attempt to walk with its limitations. The physical abuse is evident as each step is taken. I don’t want the flooding of memories to reveal this is not from an accident but again my mother’s doing.

My heart breaks and tears slide down my cheeks. I don’t want to remember abandonment by my mother.

Through it all, I ask myself (ves) yet, once again, “What would my life look like today, would I even be alive, had I not stood up to my mother, twenty-one years ago last month, and said, “I’m leaving.”

Ritually abused survivors released into the main stream of society, in their early twenties, is a common practice. The cults allow them to establish themselves in the world then bring them back years later. It’s a test of their programming, their efficiency and for the next generation to begin. My callback date was my birthday, the year I turned 30. Sixteen years later I still wait, in hiding, for ‘them’ to catch me. I wonder, will I ever let go of the fear and expectation, the paranoia and constant looking over my shoulder, wondering if this is to be the day.

At the core of these ruminations is my mother.

My mother and I were very close. People always commented on our relationship. Envy filled their eyes watching us interact as sisters and best friends, much more than mother/daughter. I defended my mother to the stars. Nobody spoke ill of her around me. Then I moved. I put time and space behind me, topped with years of therapy and was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. The ‘closeness’ I once thought came from me was actually from a single alter, Lise. This realization shocked me. I would never let anyone call me Lise. Except my mother. I had hit people, yelled and screamed at them, told them my name was Debbie not Deb, and if they expected to keep their teeth they would remember my real name. The violence against innocent people calling me a common nickname seemed a little harsh—I should have known.

A jury would not need to deliberate. The verdict: guilty by proving means, motive and opportunity. The means and motive existed through the small rural community I grew up in where my mother was part of the mastermind. She took extreme measures to prove no favoritism towards me as the only girl in the family. As she often reiterated, “I brought you into this world, I can take you out just as easy.” The opportunity—when most kids were scheming to find ways to stay home from school, my mother snatched me from school, leaving us the privacy of the empty house.

People squirm when I mention my mother assaulted me. Father/Daughter incest, as I have previously written about, shows that in the high percentile, 80-90 percent of incest comes from the male side of the family. Many people do not believe mother/daughter incest exists and because of this stereotype, much goes unreported as statistically, “In the Canadian Incidence Study of Reported Child Abuse & Neglect, 7% of sexual abuse investigations involved mothers as alleged perpetrators (Trocme, 2001, p. 49³).”( http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/incestuous-sex-offenders.html ). I cringe at the realistic percentages of unreported assaults.

So why are we so reluctant to speak of a mother assaulting her child? My mother was supposed to take care of me. She was an at-home mother, giving up her career to bring up her children. I went to her for everything: the time I fell and cracked open my knee, all the times she made me a soft boiled egg in an eggcup when I would return home early from school with cramps, the time I went to her confused over what to do with my life. These are the things a mother should respond to with care, love, nurturing and understanding. And she did. At times.

The times of love shared with my mother are over-shadowed by abuse. I entailed endless fits of screaming for things like not staying at work because I came home sick. The next time when I fought through sickness to stay at work, I was brow-beated for not having the common sense to come home. When my best friend died, I wanted comfort and an outlet for my grief. All my other friends had found places to grieve. Hoping for an avenue and a shoulder to cry on, I was humiliated for my apparent lack of strength to endure this small tragedy and I had tears in my eyes—something I learned never to show my mother. The messages were clear to me—never approach my mother for anything.

One major result of my therapy has been the realization that my mother, like me, has DID. It is the only explanation for the mood swings, the inconsistent act of mothering versus abuse. The recurring memory I have of my mother entails me coming home from school, work or an outing and holding on to the doorknob leading into the house thinking, “God, please let her be in a good mood. Let her be a mother.” This was an oxymoron, since she would switch in a second from a happy person into a monster, ugly to the core. If I had known then what I know now, I could have saved myself years of trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It never occurred to me living under her roof that she was the root of the problem. Never her. But me.

Today, I have given up the idea of experiencing love with a mother. The grief is insurmountable. Every daughter wants a mother regardless of her age. To accept this never to occur, knowing each of us will die alone without one another is a formable emotional task. There is nothing like the feeling of a good mother/daughter connection and when friends speak of their mothers to me, grief hits and a little bit of me dies all over again.

Seventeen years ago, my best friend experienced the marvel of pregnancy. During those nine months I insisted and exclaimed to anyone listening that her child will be a boy. Many people took me aside and said, “You know the child growing inside her could be a girl. You should be more supportive.” My friend knew my history, but even so asked me one day, “If my child is a girl, will you love it?” I was taken aback and assured her that yes, of course, I would love her. On a subconscious level, I was replaying my life with my mother, the fear transferred to my friend’s situation.

I have not seen my mother for over twenty years, nor do I wish to. The power she exerts over me remains strong today. My therapy always reverts back to this focus. But, she is old and will die soon. Perhaps, this is the one act of kindness she will ever give us: The freedom to live a life with happiness after forty-six years of wondering when I will, as once, be under her rule.

As an RA survivor, I tend to gloss over the other form of sexual abuse—incest and even a lesser mentioned crime, sibling sexual assault. This month the DS shatters this taboo.

“It is estimated that approximately 15% of all people report some kind of sexual activity with a sibling in childhood.” (http://www.pandys.org/articles/siblingsexualabuse.pdf)

I know sibling incest is not always taken seriously. Among the comments I have heard are: “they were just playing doctor, it was just a little touching, she asked for it.” I agree there is sibling touching that occurs in the family with children, but where do we draw the line? At what acts? At what ages? Is a brother at the ages of 10-18 accountable for his actions beyond the line of childhood sexual contact?

Yes if:

• it goes from giggling between the differences in boy’s and girl’s bodies, as seen as young children, to one of them enjoying the pleasure of the other’s fear, shame and humiliation.
• he threatenens you about telling anyone,
• he finds places outside the home to perform acts where the danger of being found is minimal,
• he’s gone beyond touching to intercourse,
• he ridicules you in front of other family members insinuating ‘he hates your guts’ and doesn’t want to be near you as a cover. If disclosed the statement “Of course Jamie did not assault his sister. He can barely stand to be in the same room with her.”

Sibling incest doesn’t have programs and rituals that we find in RA, but it is just as devastating leaving the same trails of destruction behind.

I recently met a woman who told me her abuse only happened once with a sibling, and could not understand why forty years later she was depressed, suicidal, angry and fearful. She felt she did not earn the label ’survivor.’ I gently disagreed with her, relating my own sibling incest.

My older Brother no. 1, assaulted me. Once. We were at our grandmother’s and we were sent to play downstairs where the washer and dryer and the hot water tank were kept. In that dark and dank basement, I can still smell the dampness of concrete blocks, the feeling of sharp corners as I was forced against the roughness of unfinished walls, my hands above my head, wishing it would stop. His words resonated through my head: “I am teaching you how to bum-fuck because when you go to high school next year, you will need to know how to do it,” he said as he raped me anally.

My high school years should have been a time of growth, of friendships, and first loves. But I was robbed of these pleasures by this one incident in pleasuring my brother’s needs instead.

Kids can be cruel. I remember one student who was teased and picked on our entire middle and high school years until she finally dropped out of school in grade 10. I often wonder about her. Did she become an unemployed statistic, or did she rise above it receiving her GEP as an adult leading to a fulfilling career and family? I was in the same category but instead of bonding with her and using both of our strengths to fight the horrors we lived, we were alienated. I was teased and ostracized, throughout my senior years. But, it wasn’t just my peers. I had a chip on my shoulder during this time. It said: “I am better than you (my peers). I have seen, held and touched every penis in my family and that makes me special and better than you.” No one bothered to ask why I hid the fact that I was female. I dressed and acted ‘manly,’ so no boy would catch me unawares and repeat what my brother had. I was one of the fifteen percent, I wonder, was my high school dropout?

My brother and I were both in our teens. So, was I sexually assaulted or was it merely childhood sexual contact?

Playing doctor? You show me yours and I’ll show you mine? Yes, this happened with Brother no. 2. We were young, my five to his nine, and it lasted until I was sixteen. But when did it turn into games of go-fish and having to strip if I lost. Or how about the paper cube game where I take the cube and open a flap and read what I have to do. Things like: run up and down the stairs eight times, dial a number on the phone and talk to someone unknown for thirty seconds, have intercourse with my clothes on, have intercourse with my clothes off, suck my brother’s organ, let him undress me…

It always seemed like I received the sexual actions from those games. I now recognize I was duped but to a six-year-old, it instilled a sense of fear that has become an integral part of my adult life.

Brother no. 2 finally married a year prior to my fleeing my hometown. Nine months later he left his wife. This was a shock to the entire family. No one figured his marriage would not turn into a fifty year anniversary.

Over drinks he told me of his sexual problems. How his wife would not service him the way he wanted, the way his younger sister had. He was spoiled. And I was the one who had spoiled him. He was forced to go to prostitutes and escort agencies.

“Was he blaming me?” I wondered.

I watched his eyes brighten as we talked of his failed marriage and new sexual alliances; his tongue caressed his lips and I saw his hands reach below the table. Minutes later, the table moved and a small gasp whispered from his lips and I felt dirty, as if I had just been raped, yet he never touched me.

I was twenty-four. I was still bound to him and had I not fled the city I am sure we would have resumed our ‘Childhood Sexual Contact’ as I had been trained for by him and I had no voice in which to speak up and say no.

As an adult, I know he is addicted to sex. As an alcoholic, I know of the physical and psychological need for that first pull of drink, but I have been sober for almost twenty-one years. I still crave the drink but I can restrain myself. How is this different from sexual addiction?

So, I ask again, was I sexually assaulted or was it merely a 10 year interlude of childhood sexual contact.

The police in my home town felt it was part of my childhood. When questioned during a Victims Compensation Hearing through a conference call with the detective who investigated my police report, she stated “He was out of the city and he never returned my phone call when I phoned him.” Hell, I wouldn’t have returned the call either! The two board members representing the government just shook their heads as I paraphrased to the detective: “You are telling me that my brother who sexually assaulted me on a daily basis from the time I was six until age sixteen, was not interrogated for these crimes because he was out of town and didn’t return your phone call?” Her answer: “Yes.” It sounds horrendous when placed on paper. How should any brother get away with such acts of sickness?

When I asked her about Brother no. 1 who anally raped me, she said: “He lawyered up.” In other words, my claims were taken no further.

Though the police ruled in favor of my siblings, the provincial government that held the Victims Compensation Hearing believed me and awarded me the highest amount of compensation that was available to them. This compensation file is closed to any government agency including the police. Any children still at risk will not be looked at. I may have won compensation, but I lost in sleepless nights and wakeful days wondering if any nephews or nieces are being assaulted. After all, the message I received from that particular police force was: “Abusers have rights, too.”

I have gone through a good part of the healing process with my sibling incest. It is never too late to reach out and break through the binds of fear and stop the cycle. Survivors all over the world are freeing themselves and you can to. Reach for the number of your local sexual assault center for details on the many programs now available.

You deserve to be whole and I am here to tell you, if I can do it, you most certainly can.

Thank you for being the best Dad ever.

• As I entered life, you could not suppress your happiness over the tiny bundle in your arms—your first and only daughter in a house that already contained two boys.
• As I matured into a toddler, you held me with your strong calloused hands as I took my first precarious steps.
• As I began kindergarten, we both faced our fears—me, for the insecurity of something new—something beyond your presence, strength and love. And for you, recognizing even then your little girl was growing up.As I grew to full time school age, you taught me how to make friends, to give and take and the gift of learning.
• As I entered puberty, you watched me move from child to budding woman and bestowed upon me the respect and responsibility it entailed.
• As I matured into a teenager, you taught me about boys and dating.
• As I started high school, you taught me to drive, having the patience for an overzealous student. You watched me start my first job, and as I stumbled through this new beginning, you taught me the value of a dollar and tutored me in finances.
• When I graduated, you were the first on your feet applauding the loudest.
• As I matured and left your house to make a place in the world for myself, I had all the life skills you had taught me and our bond became even stronger.
• As I matured in life, I gave you your first grandchild and your tears of joy were heard throughout the hospital.
• And as you matured, Dad, into your last days, we just sat with each other; no words needed—it had all been said before.

I wish this was true, Dad.

Instead why do I remember your true words?

“It will be our little secret.”

“Don’t talk about it to your friends.”

“Don’t tell your brothers.”

“Don’t tell anyone at all.”

“And for God’s sake, don’t tell your mother!”

“If you tell, I’ll go to jail.”

“You don’t want to see your daddy in jail, now do you?”

“The whole family will suffer.”

“And it will be all your fault.”

“You know you’re just a little tease.”

“It feels good, doesn’t it, honey?”

“Daddy just wants to make his little girl feel special.”

Father/daughter incest. Incest sounds ominous, with a menacing intimidating connotation.

By this point, the reader shudders and closes a blind eye, suddenly remembering another place they have to be or children needing to be picked up. This article gets flipped to the rejection pile, all leaving the survivor alone with the horrors of her past. I implore you to continue reading. Not for the sakes of personal recognition, but for the need of the generation who is still at risk, who is keeping the sickening secret, living in isolation, suffering in silence. We need, as a society, to stop imitating ostriches, to get our head out of the sand, and ignore how our voice against childhood sexual assault will ruffle our well preened feathers.

Fact:

“University of Victoria’s Sexual Assault Centre posts the following childhood sexual abuse statistics:

• 1 in 3 females and 1 in 6 males in Canada experience some form of sexual abuse before the age of 18.
• 80% of all child abusers are the father, foster father, stepfather or another relative or close family friend of the victim.” http://www.safekidsbc.ca/statistics.htm

This is the reported cases. In another survey, research showed: “Sexual assault is one of the most un(der) reported crimes, with 60% still being left unreported.” http://www.rainn.org/statistics.

If you can’t believe these statistics, believe me when I say I never forgot the incest with my father. I tuned it out, dissociated parts of it out of my mind, closed off all the feelings attached, but I never forgot. No one can claim my memory is the result of interfering therapeutic processes.

Father/daughter incest exists everywhere. Moreover, it’s not just happening to the Joneses down the street. “The poor trashy family. You know he is a drunkard, the kind of family you would expect it to be.” Or how about the Smith family. “I knew that father was no good. His kids running wild. They are going to be just like him. Troubled teenagers. The police are always at their door. Drinks and probably deals drugs. I tell my Jamie to stay away from that boy, that family. I wish they would move.”

I came from a middle to high upper class family, well respected in our small community. No one would expect incest in my family, but it happened and not just with my father but my two older brothers and mother. Incest has no class discrimination. Chances are it is happening in your neighborhood.

In my generation, kids were taught not to accept rides from strangers, not to accept candy from strangers. I was never taught that I could turn my father in for sexually assaulting me. The good news is the basis of father/daughter incest is no longer a taboo. It is a household word. Kids today are taught that sexual assault can and does happen in the family and it is okay to tell. Otherwise they run the risk of: living on the streets, being re-victimized, having suicidal tendencies, subject to depression and other mental health disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual dysfunction, the need for therapy—you name it.

The UVIC research states that “80% of prostitutes and juvenile delinquents, (in another study), were sexually abused as children.”

Incest takes your freedom. It ruins your life. It consumes you until you are left a mere image of your former self as an untouched baby. You are labeled a victim. There are hushed voices in hospital wings where you are admitted for yet another round of self-harm and suicide attempts trying anything to release the overwhelming pain. You’re damaged. You’re damaged goods, and no one wants you. You become a shell to be abused again and again until if you are lucky help arrives. Among my disorders, I suffer from high anxiety and because of the fear of people I continue to isolate and as my psychiatrist recently wrote on my disability form: “LisaBri lives a hermit-like existence.”

Hollywood moviegoers are warned of danger by dark, menacing, terrifying music played before a scary scene. Father/daughter incest has no musical interludes. There is neither warning nor escape.

Why? Because: he is your father, he would go to jail, and your mother would hopefully react in your favor, though most likely she is stuck in a marriage with no visible means of support outside the home. Having this to play on, she turns a blind eye. How can any mother not know that her husband, her daughter’s father, is sexually assaulting her? Not once. More like once or more a week.

But more damaging and perhaps, more shocking than all, my father’s sexual assaults did feel good, knowing that it was all I would get from him. I so wanted to be my daddy’s little girl. If you feel embarrassed or shocked at this let me tell you what embarrassment is really like. Its 40 years later, when you still can’t let go of the sexual component in order to heal. Its years of being told by therapists in order to heal, I have to relive the feelings, hence, let go of the frozen body. So embarrassment: try sitting in your therapist’s office hidden under a blanket, shaking, hoping she can’t see you as you relive those sexual feelings from your father’s assaults as a child.

Given this, was it my fault? Of course not. My body is like your body. When touched in such a manner, it will respond. When a potato chip is placed in our mouths it tastes like salt. Can we stop from tasting the salt? Of course not. Our bodies respond to sensations of salt in our mouth.

This doesn’t take away the shame. I don’t think anything ever will. Yes, I will get on with my life, rise above it, but it is there in the back of my mind ready to remind me if something in my current life is triggered.

Many years later I came to understand we all have a choice in life growing from the roots of our childhoods. We can either take what we are given and live in the sickness and carry it on to the next generation or we can break the patterns and changes giving the next generation a voice.

Fortunately, I found my voice before it was too late. I flew back to my dad to confront him with my new found strength that needed shots of bourbon on the five hour plane trip to his home. Emerging drunk, I found him in the airport and with my bottle of courage, I asked: “What went on between us when I was a kid, Dad?”

There was no hesitation when he replied: “Oh, it was nothing. Just some touching and things. It was no big deal.”

It was no big deal. So, now I have a new series of words to fight and conquer because I learned in 2004 from my lawyer that my dad passed away in 2002 from a very painful cancerous illness. I can’t tell him I am no longer keeping his filthy, lying, sick secrets. And for the rest of my family, I have no contact with my brothers. I don’t know if I have nephews or nieces. I have had police protection and filed charges. Since my dad is dead he cannot reach out from his grave and abuse any grandchildren he may have. If there is a benefit from his death, this is it.

I am happy to be an activist for the growing number of survivors throughout the world. We share our experiences in hopes of helping even one other person. But the networking has begun and survivors the world over are speaking out about father/daughter incest.

And I haven’t even touched on physical and emotional abuse in the family.

I have spent the greater part of my adult life running from those ‘don’t talk and it was no big deal words’, fighting them, challenging them until I could embrace life, because I finally learned that life isn’t the total experience of these words.

***

Child Assault is reported every 10 seconds.

Saturday, September 11
Panel on “Preparing for the Holidays.”
Jeannie Riseman, Bonnie Bazill-Davis, Kitty Downey and LisaBri.
Holidays are always difficult, whether your abusers are still in contact with you, whether you have small children, whether friends have expectations, or whether you are all alone. We will share the difficulties we faced and some of our solutions. There will be plenty of time for attendees to dialog.

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Saturday, October 9
Elle Snow, MSW
“Ritual Abuse Survivors and Eating Disorders.”
Do you find you have a love/hate relationship with food? Are there parts of you who are controlled by old messages about what you “have to” do with food and your body? Would you like to change your eating patterns but don’t know where to begin? This webinar will look at some of the psychology and brass tack basics about DID, eating disorders, and nutrition.

Elle Snow received her MSW at Smith College where she first became interested in studying DID from an International perspective. She has worked with populations such as the Meshketian Turks and Somali Bantus and has researched DID in Argentina and Japan. She recently spent a year in the war zone of Uganda, providing treatment to help child soldiers in their recovery from programming. She has a practice in Santa Monica and Redondo Beach, CA treating ritual abuse survivors and survivors of other torture.

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Saturday, November 13
Carol Ann Rowland, MSW
“Healing Trauma with Energy Psychology.”
Are you interested in energy psychology? Please join us in discussing energy healing approaches that you can use to deal with the effects of trauma, and help yourself to feel calmer and more grounded.

Carol Ann Rowland, MSW is a private therapist from Milton, Ontario, Canada who specializes in the treatment of trauma, anxiety, and dissociation. Herself a survivor of severe childhood trauma, Carol Ann is the creator of Zensight Energy Healing, an energy psychology modality that focuses on enabling healing to occur much more gently and easily. Carol Ann speaks internationally about her work, and is known for her use of humour and compassionate approach.   

Q1: All survivors have individual stories with strong links running parallel to each other. Can you share your story?

I’ll try.

I remember, from the time I was a preschooler, feeling different from others, alien. Like all the other kids knew the rules of the game of life and I didn’t. Looking back, I can see that I was more or less depressed from that age on. I kept trying different solutions—maybe this is the problem, maybe that. I would work real hard to fix things, and lo and behold, it made no difference. I still felt just as alienated. But along the way I accumulated a college degree, years and years of fruitless therapy, a husband, two great kids, a couple of jobs, and then grad school, which gave me an MSW and a career that I loved. All this in spite of feeling deeply depressed, often suicidal.

In 1985 my husband died. My parents were dead by that time and my kids were off in college. I was responsible only for myself (and my work, of course.)

One day I sat down and said to myself, “Listen, you have been depressed your whole life. Chances are you will be depressed for the rest of your life. So you might just as well get used to it and start suffering in comfort and beauty.”

Well, that jump started the housework! It also seemed to give me permission to remember things, because shortly thereafter I remember being molested as a pre-schooler. It was sad; the first words I said were, “I always knew I was damaged goods.” I was filled with grief but also relieved because for the first time in my life I had an explanation for what was wrong with me.

About two years later the ritual abuse surfaced. The precipitant was a doll house I was building. I wanted a Georgia O’Keefe room in the attic, an artist’s studio. A friend who lived on a farm had given me a couple of rats she had killed—she must have thought I was nuts, and, in a way, I was! I spend Easter Sunday alone, boiling them to get their skulls, not realizing they would look more like saber tooth tigers than cows. The floodgates opened.

I started talking about RA freely and haven’t stopped yet. This was supported by the therapists I saw back home and later in California, all of whom had at least some experience with ritual abuse.

Q2: Many survivors of RA and Mind Control (MK) have one of the Dissociative Disorders. Where do you fit along this continuum?

I know I am RA, and I know I was used in early mind control experiments. They were trying to see how different programs would work. I suppose I have some sort of Dissociative Identity Disorder. I am too fragmented to have discrete personalities. There are groups of fragments that come together to do certain things, then fade back away.

Q3: As an activist against childhood sexual assaults, it came to my attention recently that having gone ‘public,’ with a website and speaking openly; I could be at risk from the group that abused me. How have you dealt with this aspect of your healing?

When I was in my early fifties, in the late eighties, therapists had finally learned about childhood trauma and ritual abuse was being openly discussed. I saw others discussing RA on TV and went to some workshops. Nobody died from telling, and I figured that my perpetrators were all either dead or senile, so I was pretty safe.

Q4: Can you tell us a little about your career as a MSW? Do you think it laid the groundwork for you to work with survivors? Or was that unrelated?

I worked my way into clinical work through administration and a day treatment program. The majority of my work was with adults on an out-patient basis. And yes, it has been very helpful working with survivors. I can get “the big picture” more easily and it helps me maintain boundaries and know how to act in a crisis.

Social work was a second career. I had been a tech writer, which also has helped. I knew I wanted to go to grad school; I looked at my bookcase and it was all psychology books. Social work was the only program where I didn’t have to write a thesis and I chose it on that basis. It was the perfect fit because social workers treat clients as equals and take their position in society into account. It doesn’t look at the person as “sick,” the way the medical model does.

Let’s talk about Survivorship!

Q5: How did you become aware of Survivorship?

I learned of Survivorship in 1989 through a Journal I picked up in a woman’s bookstore.

Q6: How many years were you aboard the “Ship” before taking over its captaincy? What did your position on the Board of Directors entail? Can you tell us about your work relationship with Survivorship?

I became a member in 1990 and joined the Board in May 1993. It was late 1999 or early 2000 when Caryn Stardancer was no longer able to run Survivorship and I took over as the Acting Director, although I called myself Coordinator of Volunteers. I was just another Board member until Caryn left. Then suddenly, although I held no office, I felt responsible for rebuilding the Board, because the organization would have died without a Board of Directors. I’m thrilled that today we have a strong, well-functioning Board under the leadership of Dvora Gordon, who has been able to find, keep, and inspire committed Board members. It’s great to become obsolete!

Q7: Can you tell us your early musings after taking over from Caryn? Was it an easy adjustment? If you were afraid, how did you cope and yet still produce a great Survivorship?

I had zero self-confidence and next to zero computer skills. It was totally overwhelming. I didn’t mean to take over—we tried to run Survivorship with committees, but nobody really had the time. I was the only one who was retired and I had plenty of spare time.  Caryn held my hand and taught me the office procedures and all sorts of other things. It took me three months to remember how to log into the site with my password without checking with her. (I’m not kidding about the zero computer skills.) She was so patient! And I felt so dumb!

How did I manage? I don’t know. Things needed doing, and so one way or another I got them done. I could see what Survivorship needed to survive, and that became my first priority. I’ve always done a lot of things in spite of my feelings of inadequacy – if I hadn’t, I would have spent my life in bed.

Q8: When I first started therapy 21 years ago, there were no books on RA and no internet. Incest is now a household word. RA and MC are working on the same. The statistics have risen at an alarming rate. After spending 10 years intensely with Survivorship, what trend have you seen for survivors? How has Survivorship helped to contribute to the movement towards healing?

One trend I have seen over the last ten years is that more and more people know about MC. And the programming that people are conscious of and dealing with is more complex than it was years ago.

Survivorship has done a lot just by being there year after year. It has supported people who have gone on to do other things in the survivor community. The actual things we do change depending on the energy and interests of the people involved – literature, conferences, workshops, message boards, Webinars – but Survivorship itself looks the same to me. Steady, faithful to its mission of supporting survivors and educating the public.

Q9: How has Survivorship survived the FMS movement when so many therapists ‘went down?’ I know for myself, two of my therapists suffered and canceled therapy with me.

I’m sorry to hear that. Amazingly, we have not been directly attacked in any meaningful way, knock on wood. I guess they don’t think we are effective enough to bother with. Oh well. But membership is down from the early days, and people are less willing to write for us. The general tone of the community is much more cautious.

Q10: What do you see as the future for Survivorship?

Just another twenty years of the same!

Q11: Some people have a calling when it comes to writing. Some can’t eat or sleep without writing. Some begin as soon as they can pick up a crayon. What driving force brought you to accept your new role at Survivorship beginning with so much writing?

I have no calling whatsoever for writing. I hate it, to be honest. What little pleasure I once had was killed when I was a tech writer for a scientific instrument company. It was excruciating to have all those engineers blow me off until the last minute and then criticize my grammar. It’s less awful to write today, since I am somewhat desensitized, but it still isn’t pleasant. Now I can see that I have a talent for writing about complex things in simple, easy to understand language and that at times I can be quite funny, but it took years to get to this point.

The driving force behind everything I do is the desire to help ritual abuse survivors (myself included) and to make a small contribution to the fight to expose and end ritual abuse. It’s my cause. I’ll do lots of different things, however unpleasant, to further that cause. The satisfaction comes in believing I may have made a difference.

Q12: What, if anything, has Survivorship taught you?

Oh my, I couldn’t count the number of things it has taught me. It brought me in contact with hundreds and hundreds of survivors. I learned something from every one. And I had to do many things for Survivorship that I thought I couldn’t. I learned new skills along the way and gained confidence in myself. I started off as a little mouse hiding in the corner and now I am a big old sassy mouse trying to change the world. The whole experience has been a blessing.

Q13: How can a member get started? What does a membership comprise?

Best thing to do is read the website. www.survivorship.org

You can get an idea of what we are all about, read some articles that have been published in past years and learn about membership options.

Membership brings you a short bimonthly newsletter, our Journal with articles, poems and artwork by survivors, and access to our password-protected moderated message boards. They are a great source of information, validation, and support for people in all stages of healing. It is so wonderful to learn that you are not alone anymore and that you can talk safely about things that formerly were secret.

Q14: Can you explain the levels of financial aid for members wishing to join Survivorship with limited incomes?

We have a sliding scale for memberships, which goes all the way down to zero. We feel it would be criminal to deny people the support of Survivorship when they are stressed out by trying to exist below or near the poverty level. If somebody who has had a gift membership later gets a good job or wins the lottery, I am sure they will remember Survivorship with gratitude.

Let’s talk about Webinars!

Q15: What are Webinars?

Seminars on the Web! Basically, they are teleconferences plus some software that allows the presenter to show slides on everybody’s computer. There is also a chat feature.

Q16: How does one get a list of Webinars to come and are transcripts from previous ones available?

Information about scheduled Webinars is at www.survivorship.org/webinars.html (Check out the workshops given in Oakland while you are there.) These are open to anybody, whether they are Survivorship members or not. There’s also a list of past Webinars. But to listen to the recordings of past Webinars and see the slides, you have to become a Survivorship member.

Q17: I know all the Webinars have been a success. Is there any one that sticks out in your mind as most memorable?

I’m sure everybody has their own favorite. The most memorable for me was the one I gave on guilt, because I really freaked out in the middle of it. Not fun! But the one I learned most from was “Understanding Nazi Influence in Ritual Abuse.”

Q18: Where did the idea of Webinars as a way to reach people come from?

A member named Terri suggested them. She had learned about them through her job. Most of our best ideas come from members.

Q19: Can you give us some ideas of the topics Webinars cover?

Past Webinars: Music, advocacy. Nazi ideology, flashbacks, physical disability, forgiveness, disability applications and appeals, managing programming, and guilt. Future ones: art, healthy relationships, a humorous look at coping mechanisms, a Christian approach to healing, eating disorders, spirituality, self-injury, handling split brain programming, energy work. All sorts of things, in other words.

If anybody reading this would like to give a Webinar on something dear to their heart, write me at jeannie@survivorship.org

Q20: What does the future hold for you, separate from Survivorship?

I’ll be contributing to books that are being written on RA and I’ll help with new websites. And then there are the grandkids and traveling. I plan to do less and less for Survivorship so that others can do more and more. I doubt if I ever will run out of things to do. Periodically, I get asked to write something (like here!) and I have more ideas for projects than time or energy. This is my cause, and it gives me great satisfaction to be part of the community fighting ritual abuse.

Q21: If you had one minute to speak with a survivor to pass a message along considering your personal and professional qualities what would that be?

“I didn’t think I had anything to offer. You probably don’t think you do, either. I was wrong, and you probably are wrong, too. Just go and give it a try, as an experiment!”

Q22: Finally, is there anything you would like to add to this interview?

If you would like to get a free newsletter about ritual abuse resources (conferences, books, Webinars, etc.) every couple of months, write me at rahome@ra-info.org

It’s been fun doing this. I thank you for asking me.

Jeannie: It has been my pleasure going through this exercise with you and I would like to say thank you to you for all the work you do for Survivorship and I know I am not alone!

Helpful Websites and Email Addresses

• Survivorship can be found at: www.survivorship.org

• The DS, featuring this interview plus more survivor articles can be found at www.dissociatedsurvivor.com

• Jeannie Riseman can be reached at jeannie@survivorship.org

• Jeannie Riseman’s email address for her resource newsletter can be reached at rahome@ra-info.org

• Information on Survivorships Webinars can be found at www.survivorship.org/webinars.html

• Jeannie Riseman’s resource website can be found at www.ra-info.org

Next month we will be adding an article to the DS on safety. Are we ever really safe from our abusers? How can we increase our safety net? Beaky’s pick of the month addresses this issue, taking it a step further and examining cyberspace safety. Without our knowledge how safe are we from our abusers on the internet where anyone’s history is a few well aimed key strokes away. Our abusers who told us repeatedly we could never get away and who would go to great lengths to continue their predatory watch over us. Fort Refuge.com (http://www.fortrefuge.com/) discusses a whole realm of survivor issues including safety.

Topics from childhood sexual assault to spousal abuse have links to sites for the healing survivor. This website discusses the ‘how’ we survived through addictions, DID, eating disorders, and so on.

On the home page an ‘in crisis’ link is available.

The site is broken down into a forum, chat and what we think is its strength, a library.

The library touches on almost any survivor topic which when expanded has links for further information.

It was here that we found the link for cyberspace safety from our abusers.

The website gives a link to talk to a real person should you be stalked now or harassed now.

FortRefuge.com is a site for the struggling survivor trying to make sense out of a childhood few want to discuss. It is also a site for the seasoned survivor adding tidbits to our own healing process.

Beaky’s August 2010  websites on “Grief”‘

Everyone has experienced grief in one form or the other. Grief is a part of being alive and the process of passing on to our next life.

As survivors, we were led to believe that grieving, whether through tears or the expression of an emotion, such as anger, was not acceptable behavior. Punishment was our ‘reward’ if we acted in such a ‘weakened’ state.

The lesson learned very early on in our life was to stifle our natural grieving processes.

Beaky is here to break this taboo of grieving. He found numerous websites when he goggled ‘childhood abuse and grief,’ proving our theory that survivors need to grieve for the past and the present, from those who horrendously shamed us into giving up our grief. This, then, will allow us to have a future free from our abusers and their programming.

Please check out these two websites, which Beaky found most helpful in reclaiming our grief.

“Coping with Grief: Lesson Two” found at http://www.suite101.com/lesson.cfm/18897/2224/2

And

http://www.the-bright-side.org/site/thebrightside/content.php?type=1&section_id=718&id=1221

“The Bright Side” will enable you to begin process of coming alive.

Be sure to come back at month end for our article, “Grief: Are We Really Allowed to Cry?”

Beaky’s Book Selection on Mother/Daughter Incest for July 2010

This month in keeping with our theme of incest, Beaky went searching for a website/book  to review on mother/daughter incest.

We were appalled at the lack of information but more so by the pornographic websites which came up with a Google search of ‘mother daughter incest.’ It further alienates those wishing to seek help on the most hidden forms of incest.

Beaky located a book called Mother-Daughter Incest: A Guide for Helping Professionals on Amazon. The link http://www.amazon.ca/Mother-Daughter-Incest-Guide-Helping-Professionals/dp/078900917X gives an overview written by Beverly Ogilvie. Ogilvie discusses such topics of shame, boundaries, grief, sexual impaired function and parenting.

Though this book is for professionals, survivors and their support team would find this a help on their healing path.

Beaky speaks up for Many Voices! June 2010

Many Voices www.manyvoicespress.org was founded in 1989 by Lynn W. It provides newsletters, books and website chock full of healing resources such as an art gallery, books for sale, a listing of conferences and workshops, a sharing with others opportunity and an array of just plain helpful information. Beaky has found that for survivors recovering from severe physical, sexual and emotional assault the suggestions are ways to deal with survivor topics such as: Dissociation, PTSD, flashbacks, self injury or trauma.

The many crisis hotline numbers for survivors needing support 24/7 can be found on the most recent E-Newsletter – MVNEWS-Insider Edition#10. This newsletter is completely FREE to all who sign up, & comes out twice a month. You can access this particular newsletter by going to the Many Voices website at http://www.manyvoicespress.org/news.html and clicking on the issue archives. You can also sign up for the FREE E-Newsletter there.

Please turn your browser to Many Voices today and surround yourself with the love that pours from the pages.

LisaBri Activist on the DS

Beaky’s Pick of the Month For May 2010 was S.M.A.R.T.

The DS, is proactive in the fight against childhood sexual assault. As our new generation heals, we must keep in mind there are still children out there being assaulted. To heighten that awareness, join me in educating yourself and passing the word about these agencies until every last case of childhood assault is eradicated. One voice passing to another gives us double the strength to fight.

This month, Beaky highlights S.M.A.R.T (http://ritualabuse.us) , a website to help stop ritual abuse and to help those who have been ritually abused. (http://ritualabuse.us/research/did/basic-information-on-didmpd/)

This website is chock full of resources including a bimonthly newsletter, an e-mail discussion list, and lists of annual conferences.

Current articles at S.M.A.R.T. includes “Common Programs Observed in Survivors of Satanic Ritualistic Abuse,” a must read for survivors dealing with the intricacies of programming. Discussions on the Extreme Abuse survey as well as current cases of offenders round out this website.

Child abuse wiki – DID

Forensic Aspects of Dissociative Identity Disorder – Child Abuse Wiki

Extreme Abuse Surveys – Child Abuse Wiki

Child abuse wiki – ritual abuse

Recovered Memories – Child Abuse Wiki

We look forward to your comments.

As with all Beaky’s  pickings, please take care while viewing any website that can be particularly triggering.

Dear Maverick:

Your unexpected passing has left people shocked as we try to contemplate, the suddenness of your departure into your next life. Your were a son, friend, teacher and buddy.

We will always have the stories of your time with us and as life continues these will be a part of us, as were you. We also celebrate your life.

Not too long ago while visiting your mom and dad I was able to witness first hand the love they had for you. As we took in an early summer’s day, your poor mom jumped up and down all afternoon untangling your leash from yet another tree, or branch, or rock, or anything that was capable of slowing you down. As you chowed down on grass, you wove in and out, basking in the sun, being the wanderer you so loved.

And being this wanderer reminds me of a story not too long ago as nature beckoned you to her. The door leading to the great outdoors was your escape route so many times to unsuspecting visitors or mom and dad with laden hands.

This time you decided to get your money’s worth. Oh, how you must have felt that day! Freedom! No humans underfoot. The whole world wide open and enticing. What did you think of those silly humans running around the grounds, up and down the street, calling “Maverick, Mavy, Mavikins,” and all the other endearments that were placed on you?”

Oh Maverick! How you fooled them! You must have been kitty laughing the entire time as you were quite content, perched on the hill at the back of the house hiding in the wake of blackberry brambles, just out of reach, of course. But a swish of a tail and the blink of an eye, you were spotted.

And poor Mavy. All caught up in that mess of brambles. Whatever were Mom and Dad to do? You even made your poor dad get out clippers and try to clear a nice spot for you to climb down. After all, your dad is a fireman and he knew about these things.

But it was a no go. You were to remain where you were and with heavy hearts, your mom and dad went back into the house, anxious, arriving at the conclusion they had done everything in their power to rescue you. It was now a waiting game as night grew to a close and they fretted hoping you would somehow rescue yourself.

What a lark! Did you come home? Of course! You, the adventurer came home as soon as you were hungry and yes, even though you were outside, you needed the services of your litter box. Some things are just meant to be and pooping outside was a change you were not willing to go tolerate.

But, Maverick, I think my greatest memory was the last time I spent the night at your house. This anecdote I am about to reveal will be the first time that your mom and dad know of it.

As you know, you were not allowed to go in the bedroom and it was a rule that was adhered to. The Saturday night I stayed there, I accidently, on purpose, well…first I need to clarify that this was not Lisa (though I did reap the rewards, just not the blame), but mostly our lovable Steve and my inside girls.

We, well, moved the barricading of the door, with the hope of a chance that you, being as smart as you were—knowing a relative stranger was in the house and may not know the rule— hoped that you would find your way for a snuggle in bed in the middle of the night.

You didn’t disappoint us. Up you came at 3 AM and we were ecstatic and so happy to rub our face in your fur and with a sigh we all went back to sleep.

These are just some of the memories we have of you, Maverick. We will miss you as will all those whose lives you touched.

I like to think that you and Highway are chasing each around in Pet Heaven and we will meet again, not in this world, but in what will be our next stage.

Until then, Maverick, we love you.